“Man is a social animal. He who lives without society is either a beast or God.”
– Aristotle
Part I
What do we spend most of our time background-thinking
about? Most of this rumination has to do
with our social ties: where they are, where they are going, what could go right
with them, what could go wrong—the source of much anxiety. Most of our important conflicts are between
family members, because the stakes in close relationships are the highest. The people closest to us are the main source
of help and support—the source of the traditional family business. Altruism starts at home and largely locates
there for the human lifetime.
Social rumination is all part of our intensely social nature
as apex primates. Human nature has two
faces, and they seem opposed in a paradox: while we are intensely social, we
are also intensely territorial, and spend time thinking about where our
boundaries are (our reputations, our holdings, and wealth both material and
social) as well as how well those boundaries are working—or being
challenged--in the social realm (see “Territory” blog, February 27, 2022). For a consummate review of territoriality,
see Simon Winchester’s Land: How the hunger for ownership shaped the modern
world, (2021).
Why are primates such social creatures? This is the leading inquiry among
primatologists. How do we operate as
social beings, going beyond our individual boundaries to create, manage, and
transfer thinking and behaviors across generations? Ever since researchers sequenced the chimp
genome in 2005, they’ve recognized that people share about 99% of our DNA with
chimpanzees, making them our closest residing relatives. This raises the
question of what chimp behavior have to say about ours?
Animal researcher Edward O. Wilson sees social behavior, the
product of evolution—sociobiology, as the best collective adaptation for
survival and reproduction for the group. As an old saying goes, “One monkey is
no monkey.” Paleoanthropologist Daniel
Lieberman identifies our intense social nature to be the root of our
uniqueness. “Humans are intensely social
creatures, and more than any other species, we cooperate with unrelated
strangers…. As a result, we have been elected to enjoy doing activities in
groups, to assist one another, and to care what others think of us” (Exercised,
2020).
Viewing human life and goals as a
system of organized thought and decision-making opens new lines of observation
and experimentation beyond but including individual biology, brain, and
behavior. The key to culture is its
uncanny ability to balance major forces like self-centered instincts with our
ability to socialize with people outside the family bond: in religion, cities,
professions, sports, government, the military, as well as across generations
and clan relatives.
Complex social organizations, as
well as language, make every social level and effort a set of rules and skills
that contain power and leverage influence.
They enforce the rights and reputation of individuals who worry about
losing social footing and rank in any given group. Our constant rumination about our place in
the hierarchy mediates between building status in our competitive careers and
holding on to our place in the many lines we maintain throughout a
lifetime—while being generally cooperative and open to new alliances.
Part II
The individual personal space, and
the many social spaces we inhabit in the course of living, do have something in
common with fierce territorial impulses.
The paradox in this duality is that in order to be properly socialized,
the first step is to be in control: the neocortex--upper brain--and its
executive centers must be developed and in control in all social
encounters. This involves hundreds of
limits we unconsciously observe even in the briefest of encounters. In other
words, in order to be a social creature, you must have territorial
awareness.
What does this awareness
entail? First of all: boundaries. Knowledge and respect for personal space, our
core territory. We are supremely
sensitive to spatial invasion by other people, so that every social encounter
must abide by the spatial separation. Break
this rule, and it’s over. Focus on the other speaker – eye contact, body
language literacy, appropriate signals that show understanding. Language compatibility. Emotional focus and response. Appropriate content—information revealed and
hidden. Voice register, pacing, tone,
and allowing for alternative speaking. In other words, quickly changing awareness
of person, place, purpose, and proceeding in any situation. Language level, status and role, age, class,
and gender markers all operate within the context. It’s much for the mind and the emotions to
handle, besides the conscious awareness of past, present, and future
repercussions of whatever is said and replied to.
The ability to understand “theory
of mind” – knowing how others think, feel, and act, and the rules of
engagement. This covers not just basic
manners (knowing if and when to speak, how to ask questions and offer
information), but how and when to reveal personal information, and what
specific contexts require or prohibit revelations. The life-long learning that humans undertake
is largely about how to start and maintain good relationships, how to note and repair
damage to them, how to connect others in our lives (or keep them apart), and
discover our unique talents in conversation, presentation, leader- or
follower-ship, as well as what situations and people we are better keeping away
from.
All these skills must be
constantly honed and refined, shifting with thousands of situations, some
familiar, many unknown. It is a
genius-level undertaking. Yet all of us do
it every day--with astounding virtuosity.
And how is this all learned?
Through experience, not so much through tutoring. From a high-stakes court testimony to a
casual hello in the company hallway, we learn mastery, and creative, unique
responses, to whatever emerges next—whether in person, on the phone, or in
writing.
Although we are intensely
sociable, we save this intensity for a defined circle (see Altruism blog, May
30). We are particular about who we
spend our time with—and that time is increasingly shrinking. The notable fact of human life is that we are
highly social—only baboons approach our level.
At the same time, though, we are also highly territorial about how we
mix with others on a regular basis. The
short list of our most favored contacts over time makes up the inner circle
that revolves around the center---yourself.
This circle includes immediate family, close friends, close colleagues, religious
and association co-members, neighbors geographically close, and
friends-of-friends. We are acutely aware
of this list, as well as who else is around us and how aggressive they
are. This is why our limited time is
also spent in avoiding or placating those unfavored many who would like to join
our list but who we determine are simply not worthy of protracted time and
attention. Of course, each of us is also
on the “do-not-admit” lists of many people we aspire to be closer to.
Technology is now taking over
times and places of the more expensive in-person events everyone cherishes but
few have the time budget for anymore.
With the number of distractions now available plus the constant phone
and computer streams, we have a wider circle but shallower connections. Think of play dates, breakfast meetings, and
zoom conferences, and the infamous low social skills of Millenials and Gen
Z. There are reasons we have become even
more picky about who we let into our inner circle and the time budget for each. Like all human activities, our social lives
are on an agenda limited by time, travel, work, leisure, and every other demand. Covid has reinforced these limits so as to
make them more acceptable as a ticket to opt-out.
Image by Pexels from Pixabay
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